Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

Jack Handey

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Franklin P. Jones

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.



One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool.

Edgar Watson Howe

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Robert A. Heinlein

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

David Letterman

My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.

Paul Getty

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear.

J.B. Morton

Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

Ken Dodd

I just thought of something funny...your mother.

Cheech Marin

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with.

Rodney Dangerfield

I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Douglas Adams

A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead.

Stan Laurel

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?

Lisa Claymen

When on the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress!